Author: Chase Hooper

The faith of Boobism (that is, the philosophy and its beliefs) has been present in human society since we first stood upright and scratched our crotches in contentment. The Church and this site may have a date of birth, but the birth of Boobism occurred the very moment mankind realized the true power of boobs. Everything since then has been an elaborate scheme to please them in one way or another. Every decision, every drive, and every moment has been consciously or subconsciously carried out with the intention of eventually being able to make boobs happy. One fact remains the same as humankind adapts and evolves: Man needs boobs. Humankind needs boobs.

As with most important and life changing developments, the lessons and philosophies of Boobism have been stifled and oppressed by those with power since long before this belief system was ever put into words. Political and religious leaders have done their best to maintain the status quo and uphold a public image of superiority and all-knowing power. Their goal has been to create a world of mindless, droning worker bees that are willing to follow every word that dribbles from their false faces onto the sweaty, hairy belly button of the Earth. This is to happen no more. Never again shall the Church of Boobism be metaphorically molested by the cold, clammy hands of oppression. Never again will it be forced to stand idle while the evil Dr. Government staples its balls to its legs. Never again will it be pinned to the floor by a money-hoarding religious institution that is hungry for innocence and crackers. From now on, Boobism is taking a stand.

In April of 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was scheduled to address the nation in Washington DC regarding a relatively unknown, peaceful philosophy known as Boobism. This was an attempt to further unite a still-divided country with the belief that all men could stand together in the warm, loving sunshine of boobs. With this idea in mind, Lincoln hoped that opposing viewpoints could walk hand in hand across the country with a revamped idea of Manifest Destiny. Unfortunately, Lincoln’s speech was never heard, for as he watched a play that night with his wife, he was assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe. Boothe was a rebel who believed that all boobs should be banished to Greenland and that mashed potatoes and the slavery of blacks and squirrels should be a national policy. Boothe was once quoted as saying that he “would be damned if some tall-hatted beard face was going to ruin his country with breasticulation.” As Lincoln laid there, blood spewing from his head wound, he clutched his wife’s left breast and whispered, “Do not let Boobism be forgotten.” Of course, she had a very poor memory when she was drunk, and his last words were never followed.

Lincoln was not the only President of the United States that paid for his belief in the wonderful Church of Boobism. John F Kennedy was perhaps the greatest Boobist of the 1950’s and 1960’s until he was shot down by thirteen anti-Boobist assassins in Dallas, Texas in 1963. Led by Lee Harvey Oswald, The Wiener Brigade was a militia created by the former Communist turned anti-boob madman Oswald with the sole mission of destroying the advance of Boobism and Western ideals. As Kennedy’s motorcade advanced through Dealey Plaza, Oswald and twelve other members of The Wiener Brigade opened fire on President Kennedy. Fortunately for the President, Oswald’s militia was heavily underfunded and most of its members were armed with tree branches and used sugar packets. Unfortunately, the President’s brains still ended up on the back of his vehicle and the faith of Boobism was stifled again.

The Oklahoma City Bombing, The People’s Temple, the Vietnam War, the Twilight movies…all events committed with the intention of oppressing the Church of Boobism and the rise of its disciples. Even the Boobists of Neanderthal times faced persecution from mammoths that did not approve of the philosophical principles of the Boobist faith. This is a problem that has spanned the entire history of humankind and has affected men and women across the globe.

In August of 1997, Princess Diana was en route to a secret meeting of important Boobists where she was to be honored for her life’s work with the title of Champion of Boobism. This is a title equivalent to that of a Cardinal or other high-ranking positions in the world, and is awarded only to those who commit themselves fully to the Church of Boobism and prove themselves worthy. This was her day, but Prince Charles was never a supporter of boobs or the Church, and he began to resent her very existence. As she was on her way to the meeting, Prince Charles sent several vehicles full of paparazzi assassins after her. His intent was to make her death look like an accident, but the plan backfired and her death was quickly identified as an assassination at the hands of some evil paparazzi/assassin cult, possibly Japanese in decent due to their excessive need to photograph everything. She died at scene and was not able to receive her honorary title. Thus Boobism was foiled again.

The teachings of Boobism have been locked away time and time again by various world and religious leaders throughout history. The goal has been to keep the Church out of the public’s eye so that it could not gain a strong enough following to fulfill its destiny as a universal faith. Pope John Paul II once referred to the ideas of Boobism as “The most detrimental philosophy to the Catholic business model that the world has ever seen.” In a 2005 sermon, Billy Graham called Boobism, “a really stupid and smelly thing that der der derder derd err der.” Following Mr. Graham’s sermon, several thousand audience members threw their hands into the air and cried for no reason.

So why is Boobism such a dangerous belief system? Why has so much effort been put into burying the truth and keeping the philosophy from the masses? The idea of Boobism holds a power that, if unleashed, could evolve the world into its next stage, and would thus render old ideas and philosophies obsolete. If the world were to be united with the belief that boobs are meant to be worshiped, conflicts would end, peace would be reached, and the power mongers that rule the world through fear and lies would be out of business. To them, murder is a necessary tool in keeping this revelation under wraps.

This is to happen no more. The Church of Boobism will soon be erected for all of humankind to gaze at in wonder. The teachings of Boobism will confirm what humankind has always known, and that is that boobies make the world a better place. They are not to be hidden or shamed, for they are providers of life and love. They are Mother Nature at its most basic, and they are all worth living and dying for. They manipulate the world’s decisions and form its opinions. They are the cause of great happiness for those that understand their power and great discomfort for those treacherous ogre-alien, booger-faced terrorists that attempt to deny their worth. Do not let those whom profit on conflict and violence stifle an idea that can bring peace to the world. Boobs and Boobism are here to stay. Worship boobs and see the world united.